“The Song of the Great Capitulation"

i saw this production of Mother Courage.

i don't even know what the hell was wrong, because i'm a little embarrassed to say but i don't know the play very well to begin with, expected nothing except an awesome night out with political undercurrents and i was being a blonde who's ass was already charmed off by meryl streep, but half-way through got extremely cranky and wanted it to stop, and behaved like a 5 y/o. my stomach hurt and i hated everyone in our section. not even a perfect night with fireflies could make me feel better about it. snotted at Mom that i was going to leave, so she took me for ice cream at intermission at the little ice cream stand that the theater has used since 1972 and tried to talk to me but i was being extra messy. we got sidetracked from ben and jerry's and ran into the head of the acting department at the university. we asked her if she was enjoying it. she looked really sad and agitated and sort of mumbled, "no, something's not right". and she and i kind of looked at eachother.

so mom was walking me out and then she was going to go back to see the II act, and she was being gentle with me (since i can remember that's how she handles my angry anxiety attacks) and wondering what it was. and i stated crying. "what's the matter?" i haven't cried in front of my mom since 1997, and we both don't remember that, or anything, or who was in the room with us or whatever.

"impotent and frustrated." i got out between sobs.
"at the production? or the everything that's going on?" (meaning political and all of it)
*sniffle* "everything." but the production failed and everything was failing about it, so there was that too and...
"well, i'll leave with you. *all business* let's go get some more ice cream and talk about this. you're still crying.... you're shoulders are so big. i can barely hang on to you."

our conversation essentially came down to this Her way of playing Mother Courage was hard and angry" Brecht once wrote, "that is, her Mother Courage was not angry; she herself, the actress, was angry" at the stupidity of the character she was playing.

"you do not have the long rage", she tells an angry young soldier. the best part of the play. the only time i thought meryl streep was visibly fighting the direction and the adaption. what george wolfe and tony kushner did was produce a long, leeching, ultimately cynical con to a lulled, mostly self-congratulatory audience, not unlike going to a cocktail party on the vineyard. did you know you pay x amount for your house and then x amount for access to the private beach? and i was furious, like being woken from a nap in 110 degrees in the back of a moving car, drooling on myself, even after my banana split. which was really good, btw.

How long
Do works endure? As long
As they are not completed

[…]
Useful works
Require people.

(Bertolt Brecht, Poems, p.913)

mom hugged me, "There's Justin and Kenny. 15 years of it."